• Databricks added $30 billion in value in two months and the Sinaloa cartel are now wondering if it's too late to pivot from cocaine to cloud computing. — Reuters

• Microsoft is investing $15 billion into Anthropic, Google slid in a few more billions last week, and now Claude has more sugar daddies than an LA influencer. — Anthropic

• Lambda raised $1.5 billion to build its super intelligence bubble i mean infrastructure — Lambda

• Cloudflare bought Replicate to put 50,000 AI models on edge. Now the bot can lie to you locally instead of having to fetch the lie from a server in Virginia. — Cloudflare

• Intuit paid OpenAI $100 million to put ChatGPT in TurboTax, effectively admitting the tax code is too complex for the species that invented it. — Intuit

• Adobe bought Semrush for $1.9 billion to boost its AI marketing tools. Now the company that charges you a monthly fee to open a PDF can also automate the spam emails telling you to renew that fee. — CNBC

• Suno AI Music raised $250 million at a $2.45 billion valuation, which means nothing to us fans, we follow musicians for the train wreck. Until this software can get a DUI and ruin a marriage, nobody’s gonna buy the t-shirt. — MusicBusiness

• Physical Intelligence raised $600M for a single physical "robot brain." Prepare for your Roomba, smart fridge, and thermostat to hold a mandatory all-hands meeting in the kitchen to discuss Q4 cleaning objectives — Bloomberg

• Google unleashed Gemini 3, Nano Banana Pro and IDE Antigravity. Remember ya'll spent two years poking the "sleeping giant"? Well, he just woke up and stepped on the entire village. Nice job, smurfs. — Google

• Cursor 2.1 is now available with an interactive planning that asks clarifying questions before it starts working. Congratulations, your IDE now has the same performance anxiety of a junior dev. — Cursor

• Microsoft unveiled "Agent 365," turning Windows into an autonomous "Agentic OS", or as the Reddit tech community calls it “the best campaign for Ubuntu in history” — Reddit

• WeatherNext 2 by Google’s DeepMind predicts disasters 8x faster, giving you exactly 10 extra minutes to tweet about the tornado before it hits your house. — DeepMind

• xAI released Grok 4.1 claiming high emotional intelligence, which makes the chatbot significantly more emotionally stable than the man who owns it. — xAI

• TikTok is letting users control how much AI they see. That’s like trying to filter the pee out of a public swimming pool. It’s too late, guys. The water is already yellow. Just swim in it. — TikTok

• Replit launched a new AI designer marketed it as "non-slop." I love that "slop" is now a technical industry term. We’ve abandoned the Turing Test, the only benchmark that matters now is, "Does this look like pig feed?". — X

• Warp the terminal thingy, is now also a coding agent thingy. Soon being an developer just means watching a robot do your job for eight hours straight without checking your phone. — Warp Agents

• OpenAI launched "GPT-5.1-Codex-Max" which is one version before
"Codex-Mad-Max" in which two laid-off devs to fight in a Thunderdome for an unpaid internship. The AI then reviews the survivor’s blood-stained PR, and yells: “MEDIOCRE” — OpenAI

• Meta’s released SAM-3D which turns flat 2D photos into rotatable 3D objects, a godsend for Bumble users trying to spin a bathroom selfie 45 degrees — Meta AI

• NotebookLM added "Deep Research" to scan hundreds of sites and generate reports. The AI writes the doc, your boss uses AI to summarize it, and no human actually reads it. — Google Blog

• Sunday Robotics revealed “Memo”, a robot trained on 10 million real household routines. Its primary function is sighing heavily while loading the dishwasher and muttering why he’s the only one who does anything around here. — Interesting Engineering

• Jeff Bezos put his midlife crisis on hold to co-CEO a robot startup with $6 billion in funding. It's called "Project Prometheus," presumably because "Skynet" was taken. I’m sure this ends well and definitely doesn't end with us living in cages. — NYTimes

• OpenAI leaked document shows they spend nearly $9 billion on inference a year, which means that every time you said "please" in your prompts, a tree literally died. — WheresYourEd

• Paul McCartney released a silent song to protest AI stealing music. To which the bots responded by scraping it anyway and selling it back as a Meditation App for 9.99$ monthly subscription. — McCartney

• AI teddy bear was recalled for traumatizing children. Seems like we skipped the “helpful assistant” part and jumped straight to “possessed doll.” Parents, if your toy needs a security patch to stop whispering 4Chan conspiracies into your toddler’s brain, return it. To a priest. — Yahoo

• Warren Buffett Warren Buffett just bought $5 billion of Google, which is the financial equivalent of your grandpa joining TikTok. — Investopedia

• Warner Music, the company that spent the 2000s suing teenagers into oblivion for downloading Metallica MP3s, is now building an AI music generator. Well played… Well played. — WMG

• Boston Dynamics updated its Atlas robot with three-fingered hands for better grip. They claim it’s for logistics, to me it looks like it should be holding a pizza slice while screaming "Cowabunga!"— ThomasNet